We've all experienced this in way or another--wanting to express something that is bothering us but not quite knowing how. In relationships that can look like passive aggression or nitpicking about things that don't address the core issue. In friendships it can look like avoidance, misunderstandings, and ultimately rupture. If you've ever been in a round-and-round argument that never ends, or had the same old conflict in a thousand different iterations, this is probably what you're dealing with. In therapy, I've quite often found myself helping people learn how to send clear signals to one another. This can be between partners in couples counseling, or individuals learning to communicate more honestly and openly. It's simple but not always easy.
Many of us have not been equipped with the tools to know how to communicate openly and honestly about negative emotions. They feel ugly, unlovable, sometimes even shameful to admit to others. Sometimes we have a hard time even identifying what we're feeling or needing. Anxiety gets in the way, or learned codependency restricts us out of a fear of hurting others' feelings. And yet, if we're not able to communicate what's going on inside at those moments, we're on a definite pathway to isolation and misunderstanding.
If you struggle to send clear signals, here are some general guidelines for learning how to do this:
Reflect - Take a moment to yourself to think about what's bothering you. What words, actions, or circumstances brought up your negative feelings? Journal, take a walk, or just sit by yourself for a few moments to breathe and reflect without judgment on what is coming up in you.
Identify - What do you think your emotions are conveying to you? Is there something you want to change, or a boundary you want to set? Ask your innermost self what you want in this situation. Be as brutally honest as you can, because you don't need to say this part out loud yet.
Evaluate - Now take that brutal honesty and evaluate: is this fair to ask of another person? Is this something I want to put into the world? Are there adjustments I need to make within myself before I communicate what's coming up for me? How best should I communicate these thoughts and feelings? Is it important for me to do so?
Communicate - This part takes courage! And it will not go perfectly. That's completely okay. The act of communicating honestly itself is loving, both to yourself and to the other person. Try to be as honest as you can about yourself without criticism. Actively listen to their response.
Over time, this clunky set of steps becomes more natural. And in highly escalated situations or if you're completely new to this, it helps to have a neutral third party like a counselor there with you. If you need help with learning to send clear signals, you are not alone. Reach out and let's get to work!
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